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I'm not sure what it is, but lately I struggle to find something that I'm passionate about. You know what it is, it's when your...

Is empty a feeling?

I'm not sure what it is, but lately I struggle to find something that I'm passionate about. You know what it is, it's when your words don't make sense, it gets difficult to find songs you like and it seems as though you've lost your way. Is it due the repeated exposure to people imposing their thoughts and opinion on me, constantly pushing me to the brink of conformity or is it just part of growing older? 

So much so that it gets hard for me to find my own voice and thoughts in a certain topic, that finding my own stand in my own meddled brain becomes a chore, it's as though I was fighting my way through peak hour traffic. Drowning, restless, lost. Pardon me if I sound a little too personal and almost teenage angst-y but perhaps not all teenagers are meant to grow old per say, and maybe just maybe that's exactly who I am, an old teenager caught in the struggle to hold on to my teenage dreams in the face of adulthood. There's a huge difference between growing older and growing up. I for one, always want to grow up and learn new things but growing old is something that I never intended to do. You know what I mean, when your life revolves around your work and money and mortgages so much so that you have very little time for yourself, your family and the things that actually matters to you. 

I know everyone has to grow up and figure themselves out, personally, professionally and ultimately achieving financial stability. However, never in this process of growing up and taking responsibility for yourself did anyone ask us to give up our sense of wonder, our spontaneity and the proverbial child within. So why do we think that in order to grow up that we must give up our dreams, our imagination, our childlike natural curiosity for the world? 

I guess for me, I'm a deprived child as well, growing up, life never gave me a chance to be a child.  Troubles pushed me into this sort of limbo, that pushed me out of childhood at a very young age. So here I am, developmental psychologist would probably say I have some unfinished business with my childhood and that has affected my development throughout my life, to put simply, in construction terms, if the foundation is not that strong the whole entire building won't be that strong either. But you know what, I think that despite all these, I actually believe my struggles make me stronger, I might not have a natural and smooth progression in life but I believe in spite of my circumstances I managed it well. In fact, I feel that despite being "incomplete" per say, I am unique and that makes me different. I like being different. If there's one word I've always liked, it would have to be, Resilient.


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