But, I realize that I had to let go in order to make space for something greater in my life. And at first I struggled, I was heartbroken, angry and terrified. After all, I have never been one that is so fond of changes. And what a change it was. I didn't know what the future held for me. Yet, I know with every fibre in my being that I made the right move to leave.
I used to have conversations with my friends, my husband and my family about my choice of letting go as if I was trying to validate my choice. But I felt the biggest relieve when I finally realize that I don't have to explain to anyone anything, I don't owe anyone anything. (Although I did explain my situation to my closest ones out of kindness) For so long, I have let other people influence me and I crave for their approval that I'd do things that I don't want to do. A sense of satisfaction came over me when I realized that the only approval, the only opinion that matters, is mine. And that I have the power to decide for myself. This is my life after all. Once I let other people dictate my life, make choices for me, I've given them that power over me. And by making my own choices, for the first time, after such a long time, I've taken back that power.
I've let go of who I thought I was. I thought that having this thing, would make me feel complete. Making me feel less lonely somehow. I realized now that you are never lonely, if you listen to yourself, do what's best for you and put your own needs first and fulfil those. I realize that lonely is not about number or popularity, loneliness is about being out of touch with oneself. We find the best of friends, in ourselves, if we start to be kind to ourselves and listen to our deepest thoughts and make it our live mission to live based on our choices, our terms and our decisions. By letting go and taking back my power I have found myself again, I've learned to be kinder to myself, to listen to my body and respect my own decisions. And never have I felt so free. Now when I look back, I think not of the times when I felt lost and angry because of this toxic thing that I held onto for so long, instead I think of all the good times and why it was better for me to let go. I have no grudges about the past but I know for a fact that I never want to go back there again. Letting go was one of the best decision I've ever made.